Author Topic: Joke of the Day  (Read 346067 times)

Bigfish8

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #15 on: October 22, 2009, 04:36:37 AM »
I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the  word 'service'.


Internal Revenue   'Service'
U.S. Postal   'Service'
Telephone   'Service'
Cable   'Service'
Civil   'Service'
State, City & County Public   'Service'
Customer   'Service'


This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard  two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few  cows.
 
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those  'service' agencies are doing to us. I hope you are as enlightened as I  am.

Bigfish8

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #16 on: October 22, 2009, 04:38:11 AM »
Try this one....The HELLpful wife
 
 
State patrol pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, 'I clocked you at 80 mph sir.'
 
The driver says.' Gee officer, I had it on cruise control at 60. Perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
 
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says'silly, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
 
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks at his wife and growls' Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
 
The wife smiles demurely and says 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
 
As the officer makes out the 2nd ticket for an illegal radar detector unit, the driver says through clenched teeth, Damit woman , can't you keep your mouth shut?'
 
 
The officer frowns and says,'I notice that you are not wearing your seat belt sir. That is an automatic $75 fine.'
 
The driver says, 'Well officer, I had it on , but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
 
 
The wife says, 'Now dear, you know very well that you never wear your seat belt while you are driving.'
 
As the officer is writing out the 3rd ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks,' WHY  CAN'T YOU KEEP YOUR DAMN MOUTH SHUT ???''
 
 
The officer looks at the woman and asks,  'Does your husband always talk to you this way Ma'am?'
 
 
I love this part.....
.
.
.
 
'Only when he's been drinking.'

shep

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #17 on: October 22, 2009, 05:07:21 AM »
 Three Ladies in a Sauna
 
 
Three women, two younger,  and one senior citizen,  were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. One of the younger woman pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The other two looked at her quizzically.   "That was my Pager" she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The 2nd young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished talking she explained "That was my Mobile Phone. I have a Microchip in my hand."
The older woman feeling very low tech - and not wanting to be outdone - excused herself and went out to the ladies room.    When she returned with toilet paper hanging out of her rear end, and seeing the other ladies eyebrows raised in disbelief  she exclaimed " Well will you look at that, I'm getting a FAX.
 

Offline BobM

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #18 on: October 22, 2009, 05:35:59 AM »
The other night, I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise," were my last words.

The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and around 3 a.m. we piled into a cab and headed to our respective homes, quite inebriated.

Just as I walked through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times!

Realizing that my husband would probably wake up to this, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was quit pleased with myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution to cover up my tardiness. Even with my impaired judgment, I could count 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equaled 12 cuckoos!

The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in, and confidently, I replied, "Midnight...like I promised." He didn't even raise and eyebrow and went on reading the morning paper! Phew! Got away with that one!

After a moment, he then replied, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock."

A bit nervously, I asked him why, to which he responded:

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh, crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you'll have to blow your nose.

Offline mfsoa

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #19 on: October 23, 2009, 04:31:02 AM »
A guy goes to a monestary to become a monk. At this monestary, you can only say two words every 10 years.

10 long years go by, and the head monk comes and says "OK, it's been 10 years, do you know what you want to say?"


"Bed hard"



The head monk nods and walks out.

10 years later the head monk comes back. "OK, it's been 10 years, do you know what you want to say?"



"Food bad"




Monk nods and walks out.


10 more years and the head monk comes back to hear two more words from the fellow:



"I quit"






Head monk:
'Well it's no wonder - you've done nothing but complain since the day you got here" 


Offline BobM

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #20 on: October 23, 2009, 05:30:29 AM »
Dirty Johnny is never called on cuz he always swears and says rude things. He promises to be better this new school year.

First day, the teacher asks each child to tell us a little about his/her summer vacation, and to use the word "beautiful" in the few sentences at least twice.

DJ raises his hand. Nothing doing.

Jimmy says "My family and I went to a beautiful lake and swam and played an had a nice time. it was a beautiful day."

"Thanks Jimmy", says the teacher. "Who's next?" DJ raises his hand, but the teacher thinks twice again.

Sally says "The most beautiful bride I ever saw was my sister at her wedding this summer. Even the bridesmaid dresses were beautiful, but NOT as beautiful as my sister."

"OK, Sally, good job. Who's next", says the teacher. Finally, she sees that Dirty Johnny really wants to participate so she lets him.

"Well.....we didn't really do all that much this summer. But one day, while we were eating dinner, my 18 yr old sister came into the house and announced that she was pregnant. My dad said, "Beautiful, just fu--ing beautiful."
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you'll have to blow your nose.

Offline BobM

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #21 on: October 23, 2009, 05:30:45 AM »
HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep. I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
.
.
.
HIS DIARY

I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got
laid.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you'll have to blow your nose.

Bigfish8

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #22 on: October 25, 2009, 06:31:00 PM »
Fall Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Thursday September 30, 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

   

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

   

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

   

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

   

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

   

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM 

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours. 

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

   

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined. 

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined   

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.   

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors. 


Offline BobM

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #23 on: October 26, 2009, 05:32:06 AM »
A man was riding his Harley along a beautiful California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you
have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over
anytime I want.'


The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges
for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the
Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several
natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for
worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could
possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I
want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the
silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong,
and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you'll have to blow your nose.

Bigfish8

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #24 on: October 26, 2009, 06:21:40 AM »
THREE WOMEN,
TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING
SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND
THE
BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER
QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE
SKIN
OF MY ARM.


A FEW MINUTES LATER,
A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.

WHEN SHE FINISHED,
SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY
HAND.'

THE OLDER
WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE
HAD
TO DO
SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT
TO
THE
BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED
WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS
RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.


THE OLDER
WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A
FAX!!

Offline rollo

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #25 on: October 26, 2009, 11:51:32 AM »
Big Fish ju are one funny man. Keep em coming that one is very funny.



charles
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Bigfish8

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #26 on: October 26, 2009, 01:02:27 PM »
One woman stops a taxi.
- To the airport, please.
After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says:
- You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today.
- Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant.
- Well, you havenít arrived to the airport yet neither.

Bigfish8

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #27 on: October 26, 2009, 05:57:52 PM »
This guy is selling three parrots. Another guy who wants to buy a parrot approaches him and asks, "How much are your parrots?"
The salesman answers, "The first one is $1,000."
"What does he know?"
"He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences and is able to solve mathematical expressions."
"How about the second one?"
"The second parrot costs $5,000."
"What does he know?"
"He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, is able to solve mathematical expressions, and create computer programs."
"Then what is the price for the third one?, the buyer is wondering."
"This one costs $20,000."
"Really?!, wonders the exciting buyer. What does he know?"
"This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always call him 'THEIR BOSS.'"

Bigfish8

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #28 on: October 26, 2009, 06:00:48 PM »
So, there's this guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink... staring into the glass... deep in thought

He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs the drink, and drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me on the spot. When I left the building and headed to my car, I found out it was stolen. The cops said they could do nothing.

So, I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And then I was finally going to end it all, you show up and grab my glass and drink my poison..."

Offline BobM

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #29 on: October 27, 2009, 05:55:19 AM »
DINNER WITH THE GIRLFRIEND'S PARENTS

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you'll have to blow your nose.