Author Topic: Joke of the Day  (Read 229750 times)

Offline BobM

  • Audio Neurotic
  • *****
  • Posts: 3017
Joke of the Day
« on: October 20, 2009, 01:35:37 PM »
The old couple is sitting on the porch on their rocking chairs - rocking...

After about half an hour the old girl takes her cane and whacks the old guy with everything she's got - just below the knees.

The tears well up in his eyes and after about five minutes he manages to compose himself and asks his wife with a quiver in his voice, "What was that for?!"

She replies, "That was for fifty years of bad sex!"

They sit in silence for another 15 minutes when the old guy takes his cane and returns the favor across the old girl's legs.

After managing to compose herself she asks him tearfully, "And what was that for?"

He replies, "That was for knowing the difference!"
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you'll have to blow your nose.

Offline richidoo

  • Out Of My Speaker Cabinet
  • ******
  • Posts: 10441
Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #1 on: October 20, 2009, 01:50:08 PM »
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?




Wait for it.....





Bird flu requires tweetment, Swine flu requires oinkment.

 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

bacobits

  • Guest
Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2 on: October 20, 2009, 02:45:17 PM »


Two Ladies Talking in Heaven





1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda...
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
 
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
 
1st woman: It wasn't so bad.. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
 
1st woman: So, what happened? 
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive
 
 

Offline BobM

  • Audio Neurotic
  • *****
  • Posts: 3017
Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #3 on: October 21, 2009, 10:28:08 AM »
Mickey Mouse is suing Minnie Mouse for a Divorce. Needless to say the courtroom is packed as Mickey's lawyer stands up to make his opening statement;

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Minnie Mouse is clinically insane"

It is at this point that Mickey Mouse jumped up and yelled, " No, no, no I said she was f*#king Goofy!!"
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you'll have to blow your nose.

Offline Bigfish8

  • Audio Neurotic
  • *****
  • Posts: 1065
Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #4 on: October 21, 2009, 02:19:51 PM »
Mayonnaise Jar & Two Beers...

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.


The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls..


He then asked the students again if the jar was full.


They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.


Of course, the sand filled up everything else.


He asked once more if the jar was full.


The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand..


The students laughed..

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.


The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else---the small stuff.


'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.


The same goes for life.


If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children.

Spend time with your parents.

Visit with grandparents.

Take your spouse out to dinner.

Play another 18.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.

Set your priorities.

The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented.

The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'

The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.
"Give a Man a Fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach a Man to Fish and he will sit in a boat and drink Beer all day."

Offline Bigfish8

  • Audio Neurotic
  • *****
  • Posts: 1065
Re: Joke of the Day - Adult Oriented Humor so Beware!
« Reply #5 on: October 21, 2009, 02:25:09 PM »
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR
> LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.  AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.
>> >
>> > THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD
> GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.  THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND SO DRUNK. I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'
>> >
>> > THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD
> MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
>> >
>> > AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,
> 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'  'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'
>> >
>> > 'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL > THE
> TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'  HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE, I THINK MINE
> WAS A WITCH.'
>> >
>> >'A WITCH??  WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'
>> >
>> > 'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER
> ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE. THEN SHE FARTED, FLEW OUT THE WINDOW AND TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'
"Give a Man a Fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach a Man to Fish and he will sit in a boat and drink Beer all day."

Offline Bigfish8

  • Audio Neurotic
  • *****
  • Posts: 1065
Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #6 on: October 21, 2009, 02:45:16 PM »
Simple but Brilliant

       Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash with Wylie  Post, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever  known.

     Enjoy the following:

     1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

     2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

     3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman . . .
          neither works

     4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

      5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

       6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

       7.  The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and  put it back in your pocket.

       8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on  the electric fence and find out for themselves.

        9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

       10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

        11. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

         12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

"Give a Man a Fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach a Man to Fish and he will sit in a boat and drink Beer all day."

Offline Bigfish8

  • Audio Neurotic
  • *****
  • Posts: 1065
Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #7 on: October 21, 2009, 02:48:37 PM »
How the fight started                                                 
                                                                       
                                                                       
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'                                           
I said, 'Dust.'                                                     
And then the fight started...                                   
                                                                       
**************************************** **                           
                                                                       
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were
in bed.                                                             
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"                 
"No," she answered.                                                 
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"                             
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."         
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."                       
And then the fight started....                               
                                                                       
**************************************** **                           
                                                                       
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to
the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind
was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,
and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.               
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."                     
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that?"                                                 
And that's how the fight started....                         
                                                                       
**************************************** **                           
                                                                       
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you
just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I
couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!                     
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT   
HAPPY!!!"                                                             
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"   
And then the fight started.....                             
                                                                       
**************************************** *                           
                                                                       
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 
seconds.'                                                           
I bought her a scale.                                               
And then the fight started...                                   
                                                                       
**************************************** **                           
                                                                       
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive...                                                   
so, I took her to a gas station.                                   
And then the fight started...                                   
                                                                       
**************************************** **                           
                                                                       
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply         
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age.. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left
my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later.                               
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application       
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the 
Social Security office.                                             
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'                                                   
And then the fight started...                                   
                                                                       
**************************************** **                           
                                                                       
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.                                                       
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'                                     
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'                                           
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'                                                           
And then the fight started...                                   
                                                                       
**************************************** **                           
                                                                       
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason,       
took my order first."I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"                     
"Nah, she can order for herself."                                   
And then the fight started...                                   
                                                                       
**************************************** **                           
                                                                       
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.           
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel 
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a   
compliment.'                                                       
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And then the
fight started...                                               
                                                                       
"Give a Man a Fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach a Man to Fish and he will sit in a boat and drink Beer all day."

Offline Bigfish8

  • Audio Neurotic
  • *****
  • Posts: 1065
Re: Joke of the Day - Lawyers Beware!
« Reply #8 on: October 21, 2009, 02:50:25 PM »
Deaf Bookkeeper                                                       
                                                                       
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out
of ten million bucks.                                               
                                                                       
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first
place.It was assumed that Enzo would not hear anything that he might have
to                                                                   
testify about in court.                                             
                                                                       
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he
brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.                 
                                                                       
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he
embezzled from me is."                                             
The attorney, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.Enzo signs
back: "I don't know what you are talking about."                   
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about."                                                     
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask
him again!"                                                           
The attorney signs to Enzo: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" Enzo
signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown brief case, buried 
behind                                                               
the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"               
                                                                       
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"               
To which the attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull
the                                                                   
trigger."                                                           
                                                                       
Don't you just love lawyers................................. ..?         
"Give a Man a Fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach a Man to Fish and he will sit in a boat and drink Beer all day."

Offline Bigfish8

  • Audio Neurotic
  • *****
  • Posts: 1065
Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #9 on: October 21, 2009, 07:31:09 PM »
Body Statistics
>>>
>>> It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to
>>> your stomach.
>>> One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
>>> The average man's penis is three times the length of
>>> his thumb.
>>> Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.
>>> A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
>>> There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
>>> Women blink twice as often as men.
>>> The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the
>>> brain.
>>> Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are
>>> standing still.
>>> If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
>>>
>>> Women reading this will be finished now.
>>>
>>> Men who read this are still busy checking their thumbs
"Give a Man a Fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach a Man to Fish and he will sit in a boat and drink Beer all day."

Offline Bigfish8

  • Audio Neurotic
  • *****
  • Posts: 1065
Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #10 on: October 21, 2009, 07:32:50 PM »
Subject: Pennsylvania Police...

1) Good:
An Erie , PA policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A twelve-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" . . . and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)
 
 
2) Better:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Pittsburgh , PA. A $100 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $100. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs. The ticket was then paid.
 
 
3) Best:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball." He replied "Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and drove away. She was laughing too hard to start her car...


"Give a Man a Fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach a Man to Fish and he will sit in a boat and drink Beer all day."

Offline Bigfish8

  • Audio Neurotic
  • *****
  • Posts: 1065
Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #11 on: October 21, 2009, 07:38:44 PM »
Top Ten Country & Western Songs
 

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few


8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me


7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'


6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win


5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here


4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him


3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger


2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer


And the Number One Country & Western song is...


1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day Long
"Give a Man a Fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach a Man to Fish and he will sit in a boat and drink Beer all day."

Offline Bigfish8

  • Audio Neurotic
  • *****
  • Posts: 1065
Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #12 on: October 21, 2009, 07:47:49 PM »
A SHORT LOVE STORY
 

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.   

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they  were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in  the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,..........   'Ma'am,

 I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet  to get me a second blanket?

 
I'm awfully cold.'

 
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!....................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed..

'Good,' she replied. ..............'Get your own fricking blanket.'

 

After a moment of silence, .......................he farted.

The End

"Give a Man a Fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach a Man to Fish and he will sit in a boat and drink Beer all day."

Offline lonewolfny42

  • Audio Neurotic
  • *****
  • Posts: 1817
  • Listen To The Music...
Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #13 on: October 21, 2009, 10:43:40 PM »
Some funny stuff there Ken..... 8)

Offline Bigfish8

  • Audio Neurotic
  • *****
  • Posts: 1065
Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #14 on: October 22, 2009, 04:34:47 AM »
"The Brothel"
 
The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
 
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
 
The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."
 
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.
 
He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."
 
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she
charged $5000 a visit.
 
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars
and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
 
After an hour, the man calmly left.
 
The next night, the man appeared again, once more
demanding to see Valerie.
 
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back
two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
 
"There are no discounts. The price is still $5000."
 
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie,
and they went upstairs.
 
After an hour, he left.
 
The following night the man was there yet again.
 
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third
consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
 
After their session, Valerie said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"
 
The man replied, "New Brunswick."
 
"Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick."
 
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney.
She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.."
 
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1.. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!


"Give a Man a Fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach a Man to Fish and he will sit in a boat and drink Beer all day."