Author Topic: Joke of the Day  (Read 345964 times)

shep

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #30 on: October 27, 2009, 08:36:05 AM »
wonderful stuff but somebody...stole my joke  :duh

Bigfish8

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #31 on: October 27, 2009, 03:40:14 PM »
wonderful stuff but somebody...stole my joke  :duh

Sorry Shep!  I received the joke by e-mail the day I posted it and had not read your previous post of the joke.  Jokes make it around quite fast these days!

Take Care,

Ken

Bigfish8

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #32 on: October 27, 2009, 03:48:25 PM »
I found this one on-line but really like it:

The Ten Commandments Of Employment

   1. If it rings, put it on hold.
   2. If it clunks, call the repairman.
   3. If it whistles, ignore it.
   4. If it's a friend, stop work and chat.
   5. If it's the boss, look busy.
   6. If it talks, take notes.
   7. If it's handwritten, type it.
   8. if it's typed, copy it.
   9. If it's copied, file it.
  10. If it's Friday, forget it!

Offline BobM

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #33 on: October 28, 2009, 08:44:39 AM »
Top 10 Caddy Comments.....

10. Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake!
Caddy: Think you can keep your head down that long?

9. Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course!
Caddy: Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth!

8. Golfer: Do you think my game is improving?
Caddy: Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now!

7. Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?
Caddy: Eventually!

6. Golfer: You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!
Caddy: I don't think so. That would be too much of a coincidence!

5. Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction.
Caddy: It's not a watch, it's a compass!

4. Golfer: How do you like my game?
Caddy: Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.

3. Golfer: Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day.

2. Golfer: This is the worst course I've ever played on.
Caddy: This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago.

And the #1 best caddy comment:

Golfer: That can't be my ball, it's too old.
Caddy: It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you'll have to blow your nose.

Bigfish8

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Re: Joke of the Day - Adult Content So Be Warned!
« Reply #34 on: October 28, 2009, 05:45:26 PM »
I was visiting a customer today and he got the biggest kick out of telling the following joke:

There happened to be a Young Indian buck and an older Indian man traveling together.  The old Indian was in a really bad mood and the young buck said you really need to have sex with an Indian Maiden to make you feel better. 

The older Indian admitted quite grumpily that he had never had sex.  Since they were traveling through the woods the young buck spotted a tree with a knot hole and convinced the older Indian that he should practice sex on that tree. 

Apparently the old Indian gives the tree a go and his actions stir up a nest of bees that just happened to be living in that ole tree.  Well those bees worked that old Indian over, stinging him just about everywhere.

After those bees finished with him that old Indian was some kind of grumpy as they continued their journey to the camp.  By the time the two of them reached camp the young buck had convinced the old Indian that he still needed to have sex with an Indian Maiden before giving up on the prospect.

The young buck talks a young maiden into the idea and the old Indian and young maiden go into a Tee Pee.  A few minutes later all heck breaks loose in the Tee Pee and suddenly the flap is thrown back.  The old Indian emerges and the young Buck peaks into the tent to see the Young Maiden all bruised. 

The Young Buck asks the Old Indian what happened and the response was "Me First Check her for Bees."

Bigfish8

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #35 on: October 29, 2009, 01:22:33 PM »
Bed sheets
 
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
 
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
 
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
 
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
 
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
 
 
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the $hit out of a ghost."
 

Happy Halloween   

Bigfish8

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #36 on: October 29, 2009, 07:29:31 PM »
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a glass of beer, and the bartender says, "That'll be four cents, please."

The guy nearly spits out his beer. "Four cents?!" he says in amazement. "How much for a plate of fish and chips with extra mashed potatoes and gravy and a side order of peas?"

"Eleven cents," says the bartender.

The customer says he's going to recommend this place to all of his friends because of the low prices. "Wow!" he exclaims. "Where's the manager so I can thank him for these low prices and shake his hand?"

"Upstairs," says the bartender, "with my wife."

"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" the customer asks.

"Same thing I'm doing to his bar and his money," the bartender calmly replies.

Bigfish8

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #37 on: October 29, 2009, 07:34:27 PM »
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"

Bigfish8

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Re: Joke of the Day - Adult Humor but very funny!
« Reply #38 on: October 29, 2009, 07:39:58 PM »
I found this one in my joke file and just had to post it:

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me . . . it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test . . . we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car!

Offline allenzachary

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #39 on: October 29, 2009, 11:22:30 PM »
A priest, a nun, a cowboy and an astronaut walk in to a bar together.

The bartender asks, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

Bigfish8

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #40 on: October 30, 2009, 05:58:01 AM »
A friend sent this one to me today!

 Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go back at it again.

8. The stranger you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave it to you.

6. Person you are with doesn't fantasize you're someone else, you already are.

5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last nine months.

4. If you wear leather and chains, no one thinks you're kinky.

3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning from over-indulging.

1. If you don't get what you want at one place, you can always go next door to get more!

Happy Halloween!

Offline BobM

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #41 on: October 30, 2009, 06:18:08 AM »
Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whomever died first would
come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their
biggest fear was that there was no after life.

After a long life together, the husband was the first
to die. True to his word, he made the first contact,
'Connie ....Connie.'

'Is that you, Joe?'

'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'

'That's wonderful! What's it like?'

'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have
breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have
sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a
couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be
proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf
course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the
afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course
again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch
some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts
all over again.'

'Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!'

'Not exactly ...

I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona.'
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you'll have to blow your nose.

Offline BobM

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #42 on: October 30, 2009, 06:18:35 AM »
What's the difference between women and men?

- A woman will fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship.

- A man will fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you'll have to blow your nose.

philotechnic

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #43 on: October 30, 2009, 08:26:28 AM »
A young man went into the Job Center in Wichita, Kansas, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he wanted  to learn more, "Can you give me some more details?" he asked the clerk.

The clerk pulled up the file and said, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.

There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Houston, Texas. That's about 616 miles from here."

  "Oh, is that where the job is?"


   "No sir - that's where the end of the line is right now."


Offline richidoo

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #44 on: October 30, 2009, 11:05:36 AM »
Excuse: My sister sent me this one.

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!"

"IMPOSSIBLE!" said the groom broom, "WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"